Nouman Ali Khan
Pre Marriage
Post Marriage
Pre Marriage
- Marriage requires trust from its very onset but nowadays is lacking in the pre marital process.
- A lack of transparency, openness and trust between the families will result in problems after the marriage.
- Marriage has become like a hard sale. We’ve started to market ourselves to each other and each other’s families. The home gets transformed into something it is not and we aren’t presenting ourselves as what we really are.
- Don’t get caught up in the hype of celebrations, gifts, dresses, telling your friends and responding to messages of congratulations to the point that you are unable to have a proper and intellectually sound conversation.
- The eye of love can’t see. If you have already been infatuated by the idea, you can’t see any flaws in the other person. You see what you want to see. But know that this infatuation lasts just about two weeks of marriage. Then that starts wearing off and reality starts settling in. i.e. you discover things you should have known before the marriage about the person.
- Those who are in the searching process should be mature in the process. There is a place for emotions, love, infatuation but you have to put the break on that until the marriage is very close and everything is settled.
- Elders in the community should not conceal the faults of their children and marry the son and daughter to a righteous and good spouse hoping everything will work out and be good. If he has a drug, alcohol or any other problem, you probably should not conceal it from their future spouse.
- Real example – A couple got married. They went out to eat and the husband ordered a beer. The wife was in shock and the husband replies, “What the big deal? Why are you flipping out?”
Post Marriage
- The standards of Hayaa are dropping within our own Muslim communities.
- Social interactions have become very permissive.
- We should find a middle path between two extremes that we sometimes find in our communities. One being the extreme which thinks women are evil beings and the other extreme where, ‘it is all good in the hood.
- Socializing like he is your brother when he is in fact your friend’s husband.
- Respect the line in the middle.
- Surah Nur is pivotal about marriage and social interactions. Certain rule of thums that should be observed inside the home.
- Do not enter your homes without letting those inside know so that they can make adjustments. i.e. cover themselves because a na mehram is entering the house. When Allah is saying make yourselves known before you come into someone’s house, it is to allow the family to adjust themselves but in our homes, there are no adjustments taking place.
- The next ayah states to lower the gaze. Lower the gaze in the house. Shaytaan will want you to be uninterested in your wife and wants you to compare what you see on streets or anywhere else. Husbands should be extra careful and lower their gaze.Not saying that we cannot have social gatherings, dinners, potlucks but bear in mind that it does have psychological consequences.
- Right after this ayah about certain rules around the house, it mentions about having the children ask permission before they come into your room. Have we enforced this rule in our homes? Have your child ask you to knock, ask permission to enter and then enter your room.
- Surah Nur also talks about khimar amongst the rules mentioned above. Everything seems to be related to marriage. Also mentioned in this surah are the deepest elements of spirituality. This entails that observing the above will help your spirituality and violating them will hurt it.
- The light in your heart will be affected if you don’t address the above mentioned issues.