Lesson 4: Gender Interactions
Lesson 4: Gender Interaction
Principles
Sunnas
Halal and Haram
Key Issues
-------------------------
· When we approach any area of Fiqh or commands of Allah governing our actions, an important thing to understand is what is the basis of that matter? Meaning the general ruling of that matter. A basis of something is akin to being our operational certainty to being our operational certainty regarding that matter. Similarly what is the basis of human action? We assume that the basis of human action is that they are sound and proper.
· The basis of action is soundness. i.e. a friend is seen coming out of a bar, you recall the basis of action is soundness so you assume he had a reason to go in there, perhaps because it was the only washroom around.
· When in doubt, one sticks to the basis of an action.
· Similarly the basis of the property of others is impermissibility unless you are sure otherwise.
· Similarly, the basis of the rights of others is caution.
· There is a basis to gender interaction. We need to ask what is sought in any relationship. To answer this, what does the believer seek in life in general? We seek the good in this life and the next. The seeking of the good is in the context of our own action and how they play out when interacting with others.
· The whole basis of the shariah is to preserve good so people are able to pursue good and avoid harm.
· This is encapsulated in the duaa of istikhara. There are some things we know that are good for us and some that we do not. Thus, we can fall into harm. The shariah has come to protect human interest. Allah states: “Does the one who created you not know?” Not know what?
Not know what is best and most beneficial for you?
Gender relationships
- The shariah admits a basic reality: it is part of divine wisdom that he has created attraction between the genders.
- That attraction is both physical and emotional. This attraction is the basis of good or else there would be no preservation of humanity.
- It is the basis for families coming together.
- This attraction can also be the cause of great harm in relationships and societies. (worldly and spiritual harm)
- The shariah has given us guidelines which promote good and ward off harm and caution us.
- Promotes good itself and that which leads to it and protects from harm and that which leads to it.
- Benefit/ Harm -> This life: Immediate and Long term How? Direct and Indirect.
- “Do not come close to zina.” (quran) Do not only fall into zina but do not do anything that can lead to it.
- How to we avoid that?
- Will be addressing: Principles, looking, contact, khalwa, and important issue.
Five broad principles of interaction
- 1) The basis of gender interaction is caution.
- 2) Interaction should be limited to need or benefit (in this life or the next for one’s self or for others)
- Should be limited to that need or extent.
- 3) Uphold dignity and restraint. Be cautious.
- 4) Remind and be mindful one’s self of one’s motives. Not just physical but emotional aspect. Outwardly it may be innocent but inwardly there is a degree of strange infatuation.
- 5) Uphold Sunnahs.
a) Lowering the gaze
b) Clear dignified speech
c) Avoid dubious matters (look up to someone of knowledge and make a mental decision of whether that person would approve of note)
d) Avoid extensive interaction
e) Interact in a group
The Fiqh of Looking
- Fiqh of Looking à Men à Looking at Men à Looking at Women
- Women à Looking at Women à Looking at Men
- “Say to the believers, that they lower their gaze and guard their private parts – that is purer for them. God is aware of what they do (Quran 24:30)
- Sunnah of lowering gaze and restraining one’s gaze. Consequence of that restraint is the sense of taharah – purity of the heart and purity in a broader sense. Being mindful of one’s motive. Allah is indeed aware of what you do.
- The ruling for women looking at men differs from that of men looking at women. The latter is at a disadvantage.
- Men looking at women: Call to lower the gaze and avoid looking without need. It is permitted when there is need without desire at the face and the hands. Disliked to look without need and looking with desire is impermissible.
- The general sunnah is to lower the gaze particularly for those who are young.
- Recommended Looking: For the purpose of getting married when one is serious about that person and considering them. It is limited to face and hands.
- The literalists (not a mainstream opinion) believe you can look beyond this but this is not the mainstream or popular opinion.
- Hanbalis are strict on this point – When acceptance is likely.
- Men looking at Men: Permitted except that which is between navel and knee.
- Men looking at Immediate Relatives – Same except the stomach and lower back are also included.
- There are many rulings in the shariah but there is a general ruling that says a certain matter.
- The women of the family’s awrah – navel to knee, stomach and lower back area. Anything that is likely to be improper would be improper and that which leads to haram is haram.
- Rulings provide broad parameters. Need to keep in mind modesty.
- Women Looking at Men: like men looking at men. Everything besides navel to knee is permissible. Disliked when there is fear of fitnah and desire.
- For men to look at women, its different and disliked unless there is need but for women to look at men, it is permitted unless there is fitnah or desire. However, the sunnah is to lower their gaze especially those that are young.
- Disliked for them to look without need.
- Women looking at women: Permitted except navel to knee. In hanafi school, non muslim women can only be shown what can be shown in front of a Muslim man. (Face and hands)
- In other schools, allowed to uncover like that of immediate family unless fear of impropriety. (taking pics, describing to non mehram men etc)
Physical Contact
- There is actual zina and zina of each limb.
- Zina of the hands is to touch. (A person to hold fast to burning metal is better for them than to touch someone of the opposite sex (with or without desire )– Sound hadith)
- Shaking hands – Impermissible among the four schools. There is some opinions in the twentieth century but are considered abhorrent.
- In all the four madhabs shaking hands is not permissible contrary to minority modern 20th century opinions. It was cultural for the Arabs to shake hands with the opposite gender—especially during special occasions.The prophet, peace and blessings be upon him went specifically against that. When women came to shake his hands, sallahu 'alaihi wa sallam, he said that he doesn't shake hands with women.
- Ayesha (r.a) – By Allah, the Prophet never touched a woman’s hand. He would pledge allegiance in other ways.
- This was a precedent followed by the other khulafa rashidoon. It went against their established practice at the time. So the argument, this is a custom of the west does not stand or is an excuse for shaking hands.
- How does one avoid this?
- One takes the means. Inform the person before hand and good character goes along way.
- These are challenges but change takes time. Requires some effort.
- The family hugs issue: Family being physically expressive. (non mehram family members) Physical contact is to be avoided.
- Good character is everything. Have good character and then avoid hug, hard for the person to take offence.
- Exception is the elderly. The rulings related to physical contact and seclusion do not apply.
Sunnah contact (between those of same gender or immediate family)
- Handshaking – Shake hands completely with two hands. Sunnah is only fulfilled when done with both hands (some ulemas’ opinion)
- In Hanafi text, the sunnah is to do it with both hands. Sunnah refers to doing it in the most complete and best way.
- Hugging – Whenever one feels like it but recommended when there’s an occasion for it. i.e. meeting after a while, festivity, travel etc.
- Kissing – Many customary expressions of affection. (i.e. arab custom to kiss on the right etc)
Nothing wrong with doing them as long as they don’t supersede the sunnah. i.e only kiss cheek or say ‘adab’ instead of salam and shaking hands. Uphold sunnah with discretion.
- Kissing hands – expression of affection for elders, scholars. It’s permissible but it is custom.
If expressing a positive meaning, there is nothing wrong with it.
Khalwa
- “Being alone with someone of the opposite sex”
- The Prophet forbade this repeatedly. Typically, people don’t fall into zina in public.
- Prophetic prohibition
- When is it khalwa? – Three main conditions: 1) enclosed space 2) There is no third party present nor is there any immediate likelihood of someone coming.
- Many times problems happen with in-laws. Living in the same house with in-laws or brother in law is not khalwa. Problem is being in the same room in the same time alone.
- A woman and her brother in law are both not going to work. Them being in the same house is not ideal situation but being in same room alone would be khalwa. Is it an ongoing situation? Considerations.
- Call of lowering the gaze. Relates not only to one’s dealing with opposite sex. When one leaves one’s house, one should lower gaze and not look around without need.
- Busies you with worldly matters etc. (advertisement, etc)
- Unless there is benefit of course.
- Important – restrained interaction doesn’t entail being someone of bad character. Have positive outlook, modesty and excellence.
- On one hand socializing member of opposite sex and social courtesy.
- Have social courtesy and little nice gestures.
- “And He is with you wherever you may be.”
Sunnas
Halal and Haram
Key Issues
-------------------------
· When we approach any area of Fiqh or commands of Allah governing our actions, an important thing to understand is what is the basis of that matter? Meaning the general ruling of that matter. A basis of something is akin to being our operational certainty to being our operational certainty regarding that matter. Similarly what is the basis of human action? We assume that the basis of human action is that they are sound and proper.
· The basis of action is soundness. i.e. a friend is seen coming out of a bar, you recall the basis of action is soundness so you assume he had a reason to go in there, perhaps because it was the only washroom around.
· When in doubt, one sticks to the basis of an action.
· Similarly the basis of the property of others is impermissibility unless you are sure otherwise.
· Similarly, the basis of the rights of others is caution.
· There is a basis to gender interaction. We need to ask what is sought in any relationship. To answer this, what does the believer seek in life in general? We seek the good in this life and the next. The seeking of the good is in the context of our own action and how they play out when interacting with others.
· The whole basis of the shariah is to preserve good so people are able to pursue good and avoid harm.
· This is encapsulated in the duaa of istikhara. There are some things we know that are good for us and some that we do not. Thus, we can fall into harm. The shariah has come to protect human interest. Allah states: “Does the one who created you not know?” Not know what?
Not know what is best and most beneficial for you?
Gender relationships
- The shariah admits a basic reality: it is part of divine wisdom that he has created attraction between the genders.
- That attraction is both physical and emotional. This attraction is the basis of good or else there would be no preservation of humanity.
- It is the basis for families coming together.
- This attraction can also be the cause of great harm in relationships and societies. (worldly and spiritual harm)
- The shariah has given us guidelines which promote good and ward off harm and caution us.
- Promotes good itself and that which leads to it and protects from harm and that which leads to it.
- Benefit/ Harm -> This life: Immediate and Long term How? Direct and Indirect.
- “Do not come close to zina.” (quran) Do not only fall into zina but do not do anything that can lead to it.
- How to we avoid that?
- Will be addressing: Principles, looking, contact, khalwa, and important issue.
Five broad principles of interaction
- 1) The basis of gender interaction is caution.
- 2) Interaction should be limited to need or benefit (in this life or the next for one’s self or for others)
- Should be limited to that need or extent.
- 3) Uphold dignity and restraint. Be cautious.
- 4) Remind and be mindful one’s self of one’s motives. Not just physical but emotional aspect. Outwardly it may be innocent but inwardly there is a degree of strange infatuation.
- 5) Uphold Sunnahs.
a) Lowering the gaze
b) Clear dignified speech
c) Avoid dubious matters (look up to someone of knowledge and make a mental decision of whether that person would approve of note)
d) Avoid extensive interaction
e) Interact in a group
The Fiqh of Looking
- Fiqh of Looking à Men à Looking at Men à Looking at Women
- Women à Looking at Women à Looking at Men
- “Say to the believers, that they lower their gaze and guard their private parts – that is purer for them. God is aware of what they do (Quran 24:30)
- Sunnah of lowering gaze and restraining one’s gaze. Consequence of that restraint is the sense of taharah – purity of the heart and purity in a broader sense. Being mindful of one’s motive. Allah is indeed aware of what you do.
- The ruling for women looking at men differs from that of men looking at women. The latter is at a disadvantage.
- Men looking at women: Call to lower the gaze and avoid looking without need. It is permitted when there is need without desire at the face and the hands. Disliked to look without need and looking with desire is impermissible.
- The general sunnah is to lower the gaze particularly for those who are young.
- Recommended Looking: For the purpose of getting married when one is serious about that person and considering them. It is limited to face and hands.
- The literalists (not a mainstream opinion) believe you can look beyond this but this is not the mainstream or popular opinion.
- Hanbalis are strict on this point – When acceptance is likely.
- Men looking at Men: Permitted except that which is between navel and knee.
- Men looking at Immediate Relatives – Same except the stomach and lower back are also included.
- There are many rulings in the shariah but there is a general ruling that says a certain matter.
- The women of the family’s awrah – navel to knee, stomach and lower back area. Anything that is likely to be improper would be improper and that which leads to haram is haram.
- Rulings provide broad parameters. Need to keep in mind modesty.
- Women Looking at Men: like men looking at men. Everything besides navel to knee is permissible. Disliked when there is fear of fitnah and desire.
- For men to look at women, its different and disliked unless there is need but for women to look at men, it is permitted unless there is fitnah or desire. However, the sunnah is to lower their gaze especially those that are young.
- Disliked for them to look without need.
- Women looking at women: Permitted except navel to knee. In hanafi school, non muslim women can only be shown what can be shown in front of a Muslim man. (Face and hands)
- In other schools, allowed to uncover like that of immediate family unless fear of impropriety. (taking pics, describing to non mehram men etc)
Physical Contact
- There is actual zina and zina of each limb.
- Zina of the hands is to touch. (A person to hold fast to burning metal is better for them than to touch someone of the opposite sex (with or without desire )– Sound hadith)
- Shaking hands – Impermissible among the four schools. There is some opinions in the twentieth century but are considered abhorrent.
- In all the four madhabs shaking hands is not permissible contrary to minority modern 20th century opinions. It was cultural for the Arabs to shake hands with the opposite gender—especially during special occasions.The prophet, peace and blessings be upon him went specifically against that. When women came to shake his hands, sallahu 'alaihi wa sallam, he said that he doesn't shake hands with women.
- Ayesha (r.a) – By Allah, the Prophet never touched a woman’s hand. He would pledge allegiance in other ways.
- This was a precedent followed by the other khulafa rashidoon. It went against their established practice at the time. So the argument, this is a custom of the west does not stand or is an excuse for shaking hands.
- How does one avoid this?
- One takes the means. Inform the person before hand and good character goes along way.
- These are challenges but change takes time. Requires some effort.
- The family hugs issue: Family being physically expressive. (non mehram family members) Physical contact is to be avoided.
- Good character is everything. Have good character and then avoid hug, hard for the person to take offence.
- Exception is the elderly. The rulings related to physical contact and seclusion do not apply.
Sunnah contact (between those of same gender or immediate family)
- Handshaking – Shake hands completely with two hands. Sunnah is only fulfilled when done with both hands (some ulemas’ opinion)
- In Hanafi text, the sunnah is to do it with both hands. Sunnah refers to doing it in the most complete and best way.
- Hugging – Whenever one feels like it but recommended when there’s an occasion for it. i.e. meeting after a while, festivity, travel etc.
- Kissing – Many customary expressions of affection. (i.e. arab custom to kiss on the right etc)
Nothing wrong with doing them as long as they don’t supersede the sunnah. i.e only kiss cheek or say ‘adab’ instead of salam and shaking hands. Uphold sunnah with discretion.
- Kissing hands – expression of affection for elders, scholars. It’s permissible but it is custom.
If expressing a positive meaning, there is nothing wrong with it.
Khalwa
- “Being alone with someone of the opposite sex”
- The Prophet forbade this repeatedly. Typically, people don’t fall into zina in public.
- Prophetic prohibition
- When is it khalwa? – Three main conditions: 1) enclosed space 2) There is no third party present nor is there any immediate likelihood of someone coming.
- Many times problems happen with in-laws. Living in the same house with in-laws or brother in law is not khalwa. Problem is being in the same room in the same time alone.
- A woman and her brother in law are both not going to work. Them being in the same house is not ideal situation but being in same room alone would be khalwa. Is it an ongoing situation? Considerations.
- Call of lowering the gaze. Relates not only to one’s dealing with opposite sex. When one leaves one’s house, one should lower gaze and not look around without need.
- Busies you with worldly matters etc. (advertisement, etc)
- Unless there is benefit of course.
- Important – restrained interaction doesn’t entail being someone of bad character. Have positive outlook, modesty and excellence.
- On one hand socializing member of opposite sex and social courtesy.
- Have social courtesy and little nice gestures.
- “And He is with you wherever you may be.”