Lesson 2: The Prophetic Marriage Model
- Religious Ruling of marriage
- Four key considerations of marriage
- Benefits of marriage
- Dangers of marriage
- Intentions of mariage
- What is the religious ruling [hukm] of marriage?
- It is the sunnah of the Prophet (Sallalahu Alyehi Wasallam)
- An-nikahu-min-sunnati.
- A way of the Prophets
- It is a recommended Sunnah. Some scholars like Imam Abu Hanifa states that it is not merely a recommended Sunnah but an emphasized Sunnah. There are strong evidences of this in the Qur'an and the sunnah of the Prophet (Sallalahu Alyehi wasallam)
- Marriage is a central societal need. If people do not get married, humanity cannot preserve itself. We are morally responsible as vicegerents of Allah on Earth.
- General ruling does not necessary apply to each particular situation. Sometimes an obligatory act can become haraam.
- Example: You are going for Fajr Salah and you see a person needs serious medical attention as he is bleeding profusely, you cannot merely leave the person to die to perform your obligatory act. In this scenario, the obligatory act becomes haraam because the rights of people here takes precedence over the right of Allah. If you can however do both - get the person to the hospital and also pray right away, then you do so.
- Necessities dictate exceptions but exceptions are limited to extent of necessity.
Marriage in some cases can be sinful:
We generally marry because of a primary consideration that it brings personal benefit.
If you are getting married would lead you to harming another person (your spouse) then the principle applies: Harming another is graver than harming one’s self.
Avoidance of harm is given precedence over attainment of benefit.
Hadith: “Whatever I’ve forbidden you, leave completely. Whatever I’ve commanded you, do it as much as you are able.” (Nawawwi)
Wrongdoing – not giving another their rights or violating another’s rights applies to this. This is of the worst of matters. Prophet said: Wrongdoing brings many folds darkness on Yaum Al Qiyamah.
Harming another is more graver than harming one’s self. You have no right to harm another. When you transgress the rights of others, that’s very dangerous.
If you enter into marriage not prepared, you may be a wrongdoer. Wrongdoer is not just an evil, cruel person who is abusive etc. Wrongdoer is someone who doesn’t consistently fulfill the rights of others. If they do it deliberately out of malice, that’s even worse. So marriage, in many cases, can be sinful.
If you know you are going to be harming them, it will be haraam for you to marry.
This is not implying to falling short here and there but when one is in a consistent state of wrong doing. This is why scholars mention a radical case. If you know, if you don’t get married, you will fall into Zinaa but you also know that if you do get married, you will be a wrong doer and you can’t provide for your wife and what marriage entails etc then in that case, it may be sinful for you to get married.
Marriage takes five rulings:
1) It’s a sunnah. The Prophet said, “Whoever is ready to get married….”, (you are aware of your responsibilities and you have both the commitment to fulfill them and the readiness and ability to fulfill those rights.)
2) Obligatory. When you are ready to marry, you should. Allah has forbidden the fulfillment of sexual desire out of marriage.
3) Disliked – You don’t know what the rights are in marriage and you are not committed. Affected by all kinds of prevalent attitudes and understandings that are not marriage friendly. Excessive concern for me, myself and I. You don’t know if you are able to fulfill the rights of others.
4) Prohibited – When you know you will be a wrongdoer to your partner.
Marriage is about finding a spouse, convincing your parents, arranging your parents and la di da. No. For you, yourself, it is just as important for you to take care of your personal readiness as it is when trying to find a spouse.
What does it meant to be ready?
Aware of what marriage requires of you and the rights and responsibilities you have towards your spouse and the commitment to fulfill them. This is reasonable ability. Everyone falls short but at least you are committed to redress. Self awareness – where am I at when it comes to marriage?
Four key considerations as outlined by Imam Ghazali:
1) What is your motive?
2) Are you ready? What are you looking for?
3) Whom you marry?
4) How you go about when getting married?
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1) What is your motive? Why do we get married?
We are seeking Allah’s pleasure and His closeness…Your eternal standing to Allah and marriage is a means to that. Through upholding good character, by developing good character, and maintaining good character. Hadith (best in character and good to their spouse).This requires nurturing concern for others and this is the reality of religion. Ad Deenun Naseeha. Your dealing with your spouse is in reality a dealing with Allah. Act and respond to what is pleasing to Allah (SWT).
When you take the ego out of relationships- that is when relationships flourish.
It’s important to look at the marriage of the Prophet SAW and how he conducted himself.
It was asked, what did the prophet (SAW) do at home? Ayesha narrated, He (SAW) used to fulfill the needs of the household. He used to help them with their cooking, cleaning. He used to run errands for them. Why? Because that is how you attain the pleasure of Allah. Be merciful to those on Earth and the lord will be Merciful to you. So, that’s the motive. This is a meaning you have to strive for and eternalize and remind yourself constantly.
2) Are you ready to marry? What are you seeking in life? What are you seeking in marriage?
Example: Some religious brothers say they want to marry for deen. So, if she wears hijab, then that’s deen but she has to be very beautiful. While there are many sisters who are practicing but not their interpretation of ideal beauty and they will sacrifice deen for fleeting and shallow consideration of beauty. It needs to be asked, what we are seeking and why are we seeking it? What is our motive? The kind of motives we have express the level of concern we have. We need to rise up to that prophetic standard for excellence.
3) Who do you marry? What should you be looking for?
The Prophet (SAW) said: The world is a provision and the best of its provisions is a righteous woman.
What is your destination in life? It’s Allah (SWT) and the hereafter. What are you looking for in that spouse?
4) How you go about getting married?
How do you convince your parents? How do you know they are right? The celebrations and the marriage contract etc.
Four criteria of success:
1) Your motive and intention has to be true
2) Your goals have to be true
3) The means that you take have to be true
4) The way you go about taking those means have to be true.
- You need to reflect about the benefits of marriage. Imam Ghazali on his work on marriage mentions five key benefits of marriage:
1) Having children. A human obligation that we sustain ourselves as species and as believers – that we sustain the community of believers as the Ummah of the Prophet (SAW). To transmit this guidance and preserve it on Earth.
2) The fulfillment of physical needs – To curb one’s desires that are directed in impermissible ways.
3) The fulfillment of emotional needs – Through family and social life. The family unit is part of how society relates to one another. Family relationship and relationships of friendship. Division of labor. Both male and female are needy creatures, we have many needs that can’t be fulfilled on our own so there is a societal division of labor and different people do different things and complement each other. Between husband and wife, where each is complementing each other in terms of their worldly and religious aspirations. In this, there are traditions and norms of how that division happens.
4) Spiritual discipline – Aid in one’s spiritual life.
More detail:
1) Natural instinct to preserve their mention on Earth (Ghazali) A worldly unease is released through having children. Our responsibility of bearing the prophetic inheritance of preserving body of believers and spreading the guidance of Allah on Earth. Marry and multiply for I will boast about you to others on the day of Judgment (hadith). We seek the blessing of the righteous child’s duaa. Actions end except for three and one of these is a righteous child who makes duaa for you. If you raise children who do good is lasting charity. All the good that the child does, the parent was the means for that. Seek the intercession of the child when they die young. Children intercede when they die young. But also adults who are righteous will intercede. (From ranks in the hereafter)
2) Desire is a blessing and at a personal level, it is one of the greatest. It gives physical satisfaction. This is why people have lusts but when it is directed in a good way, it’s a gift from God. If directed in a manner that is acceptable to God within marriage relationship, in that, this is a gift from Allah and you fulfill out of thankfulness and out of fulfilling your rights of your spouse and shielding yourself. This is why the Prophet (SAW) described it as charity. Leads to preservation of family. Physical and emotional fulfillment. An act which you can be thankful to Allah (SWT). One finds a sukoon in this intimacy. They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them. It’s also a reminder of the pleasures of the next life. That sense of fulfillment of desire and physical ecstasy – a glimpse of the pleasures of the hereafter. Whatever pleasure you feel is unimaginably less than what you will fill in the hereafter. It’s a reminder for the next life and the intensity of the pleasures of the next. The pleasures in this life are only glimpses. And the highest of pleasure is beholding Allah (SWT). A pleasure beyond any other pleasure.
3) Human being is an emotional animal. There’s a social benefit. The healthy family unit is part of relationships within the extended family. (cousins, uncles etc) vehicles for mutual assistance and support in fulfillment of worldly and religious needs..of friendships and relationships which are building blocks to a healthy society. You are part of a wide family, a community, and a society. Marriage is a building block of that.
Division of labor – natural order. Traditional inherited breakdown in marriage of the mother, wife, and as the one who take cares of the household and the husband as the primary breadwinner but it’s a complimentary relationship and it depends on one’s circumstances. Different people may find themselves in different realities but in itself, its not obligatory for the women to do housework and even then its based on mutual understanding. She doesn’t have to cook or clean but its based on mutual understanding and there’s a recommendation of how things should be and how it should worked but its not commanded.
4) Spiritual discipline – Marriage requires forbearance, patience, and conduct one’s self with reason and respond properly in negative situations- It requires Taqwah and restraint. Marriage instills that. The right spouse is also a companion, aid and inspiration in your journey to Allah (SWT).
Dangers of Marriage:
Imam Ghazali mentions three:
1) Responsibility to provide for your household. The wife, even if she’s wealth is not obligated or expected to provide. Ibn Masood r.a was very poor. His wife had wealth and she went to the Prophet (SAW) and asked: If I were to provide money to my husband, would I be rewarded for it. The Prophet (SAW) said, you would have two rewards. The reward of giving charity and the reward of strengthening family ties. Many hadith make it clear that it is not an obligation for her to provide and men have to be responsible. Getting into marriage is a trust. A lot of men aren’t men in our time. They are not sufficiently responsible. Either they don’t take providing for their families seriously or they squander their wealth. They don’t take responsibility. This is very serious.
2) Inability to fulfill rights. The prophet warned, the truly bankrupt is one who comes with good deeds but harmed this person and that person and he will be burdened with the sins of others. The most important part of fulfilling rights is upholding good character. That may require further knowledge. Religion is guidance which you may attain the good of this life and the next and not just some spiritual acts.
3) Marriage facilitates family and social interests. But if you don’t approach them in the right way and with the right motive, the worldly and social aspects of marriage can take you away from Allah (SWT). One family function to another and much socializing etc. In a manner that deprives you of religious benefit. You can turn these activities from means of gaining pleasure of Allah to activities that take you away from Allah. The believer maintains family relationships and ties, activities, they do it with a higher motive in the seeking pleasure of Allah and they do it with a higher God consciousness. That requires a living spiritual concern and a heart that is directing to Allah. Many people in a few years of marriage, not only do they stop their own personal religious practices, they start receding or turning away from the straight path and gradually the hijab starts becoming looser, clothes become tighter, going to the masjid becomes rare etc. Now we are going to the movies etc prayers start slipping so one needs to be careful. Marriage approached in the right way should be the opposite. The believer who’s serious does it for the sake of Allah. i.e even changing diapers. Every moment in your marriage and life is meant to be a turning to the divine.
Intentions of Marriage – Abu Bakr Sakhran r.a
Beautiful and powerful dua’a. The book of intentions (published by guidance media)
Intentions when entering into marriage.
Gathers many of the meanings that were mentioned. They applied to both men and women.
The sincere intention is one. You are seeking the pleasure of Allah and to be beloved to Allah. These multiple intentions are means on how you will seek the pleasure of Allah.