Lesson 3: Whom to Marry?
- Self-Awareness: Where you're at, and what should be seeking
- Advantages and Disadvantages of Marriage
- When to marry, when not to marry
- What to look for in a spouse
- How to find the spouse?
- Common sense, caution, and custom
- The Parent Factor
Prophetic Guidance on Whom To Marry
- Taken from the works of Imam Mundhiri - Al Targhib Wa't Tarhib - Book of encouragement and warnings from the noble prophetic teachings.
- Gathered from 15 key hadith compilations.
- Encouraging virtuous actions and warning against vices and evil.
- Chapter of the encouragement of marriage: The Prophet (SAW) said: "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power." [Bukhari,Muslim and Others]
- Lessons:
- 1) Readiness - They have what it takes to be able to fulfill the rights and responsibilities of marriage and in order to know your ready, you need to have knowledge.
- 2) Restraint - The key purposes of marriage is that it is more effective from restraining from unlawful sexual fulfillment. However, the concern for that restraint needs to occur from before marriage because the hadith says, for marriage is "closer" or "more effective" in controlling one's desires. That concern for lowering your gaze should be there from before marriage. This is why masturbation is a serious matter, it goes against that restraint. If one doesn't have that emotional and physical restraint before marriage, one will struggle with it when you one is married and it will be difficult to have that healthy emotional attachment with one's spouse.
- 3) Attraction - Emotional or physical attraction is important this is why we have the sunnah of looking before marriage. i.e. the face and hands and not more than that. And this is with the look of consideration not with the look of lust. Attraction is not only physical just as beauty is not only physical. You may be attracted due to one's personality, their virtues, how they carry themselves etc. What is the reality of beauty? Reflect.
- The Prophet (SAW) said: There are four matters from the way of the messengers: using henna, perfuming one's self, siwaak and marriage.
- Lessons:
- 1) Why these four? These are things that people would consider for worldly pleasures.The sunnah teaches us balance. All these matters that are worldly, the ways of the prophets and of religion does not negate these or other worldly pleasure but directs them in a manner that is good and makes them for the sake of God.
- 2) What Messengers came with: Prophets came not only with the pursuit of eternal good but also relative good of this world but the heart of the teachings of the messengers is you don't sacrifice the eternal for the sake of the fleeting but rather one is on a journey to eternity and to Allah but on that journey, the pleasures of this world are not denied rather are directed towards Allah with balance, moderation, restraint and in a way that is good and the key to that is thankfulness.
- 3) Approach to worldly matters: All the worldly matters are blessings from Allah and one appreciates them as blessings by acting in ways that are pleasing to Allah (SWT) in our partaking of worldly adornments and marriage. One seeks the worldly benefits of marriage but directs it towards Allah (SWT) and makes it for Allah (SWT)
- The Prophet (SAW): The world is a provision. And the best of its provision is a righteous woman. [Muslim, Nasa'i, Ibn Majah]
- 1) Provision (mata'): Mata' means something that is enjoyed or something that is a provision. A righteous spouse because spouse lasts. The matters of this world are means and to what end you direct them? To Allah (SWT). They are part of your journey to Allah and the best support in that journey is a righteous spouse.
- 2) Means and ends: This world is good in far as its means and it is a fitnah if taken as an end in itself because matters of this world are of consequence in so far as their taking a means to lasting good.
- 3) Spouse as Companion: They will assist and facilitate in your high aims or they will drag you down and lower your aims. So choose a spouse who will be a companion on your journey but you also have to know where you are going in life. What are your ultimate aims? Aim high.
- The Prophet (SAW) used to say: The believer gains no benefit in life after piety better for them than a righteous spouse. If he asks her, she complies, if he looks at her, she pleases him, if he makes an oath depending on her, she fulfills it, if he is absent, she has sincere concern regarding herself and his wealth so he doesn't have to worry about her. [Weak hadith but supported by other ahadith]
- 1) The qualities of the righteous wife: She listens to her husband and is not argumentative. Matters of the household are fulfilled from mutual consultation. She guards the best interests of the household.
- 2) The underlying virtues: The main thing one seek's in life is piety and taqwah. This is the greatest good you can attain in life and your spouse will be your greatest support in that. Mutual concern spouses need to have for one another. They listen to each other and have sincere concern for each other. How can we move forward in the pursuit of our eternal and worldly interests.
- 3) Gender and Hadith: Arabic like most languages uses the male pronoun in the generic sense. It's not merely male, its a general case. Some female companions asked the Prophet (SAW) said regarding this: Women are the co sharers of men. If something is mentioned regarding the man, it applies to women as well, unless there's evidence to hold otherwise.
- The Prophet (SAW) said: The best of wealth is piety of Allah (SWT) and having a righteous spouse. (Ibn Maja and Tirmidhi)
- Lessons:
- 1) Three matters: Remembrance, thankfulness and spouse, support and faith.
- Each statement of dhikr is an affirmation and confirmation as well as strengthening of the realities of faith. They nourish faith and certitude in your heart.
- Thankfulness increases your relationship with Allah.
- The Prophet (SAW) always links piety to marriage because it should be a means to your journey to Allah and marriage to be successful requires spiritual concern because you have to be patient and you have to be appreciative of your spouse and be grateful.
- It's not just about Mashaa'Allah he has a beard, or Mashaa'Allah she wears the hijab or prays, It's much more than that.
- The Prophet (SAW) said: Whomever Allah grants a righteous spouse, He has assisted in half of their religion so let them mindful of Allah regarding the other half. [Tabarani, Hakim and Bayhaqi]
- 1) Marriage as rizq. It's from Allah's providing which tells you that in seeking your spouse, ask Allah because it is HE who grants. Allah has apportioned a time for when he gives his provision so you should be reliant and confident in Allah. So ask him and don't just wait around. See your spouse as a blessing from Allah (SWT).
- 2) Righteousness defined: What is righteousness? You have concern to fulfill the rights of Allah and his creation. Birr - virtuousness. The Prophet (SAW) said: 3) Righteousness is good character.
- 4) Assistance in deen: Marriage should be an assistance in fulfilling one's religion.
- 5) Mindfulness (Taqwa)
- The Prophet (SAW) said: There are three whom Allah has undertaken to support: The one striving in the path of Allah, a slave who is seeking to get the money to free themselves, the person who is marrying seeking thereby dignified restraint. [Tirdmidhi and others]
- 1) Three matters: why? These are things that are pleasing to Allah. In terms of marriage, one is fulfilling the preservation of the worship of Allah (SWT). Means of promotion of societal good.
- 2) Dignified restraint ('afaf): Keep away from that which is wrong and undignified is one of the encompassing expressions of virtue both in worldly and religious matters.
- 3) From before marriage: This restraint should be practiced from before marriage otherwise you won't have that restraint.
- The Prophet (SAW) said: A woman is married for four reasons: beauty, character, wealth, lineage, so marry the one of religion and character..[Ahmad and Bazzar]
- Lessons:
- 1) This expression in the hadith: May your hands be filled with dust means if you don't do it you will miss out or that it is a metaphorical expression which means you will succeed. Both a warning and an encouragement.
- 2) Deen and Khuluq
- 3) All other things are not denied but are considerations. (Social compatibility, careers etc) But make your choice on the basis of deen. So why people marry is not denied.
- 4) Noteworthy: religion and character as one - In some narrations, only deen is mentioned. He (SAW) would mention it often. The reality of religion is manifest in character. How you are with Allah and how you are with others. You need to be working on yourself before marriage. Don't just say you are marrying for religion but religion for you is just a consideration. Yes, she wears hijab, jilbab..is she beautiful? He's active, he has a beard but now let's look at the serious things. No.
Imam Ghazali's Eight Things to Consider in a Spouse:
1) Righteousness and deen. Hadith:"Be in this world as though a stranger or one journeying". You are just a visitor in this world and you see yourself as if on a journey in this life. The other considerations doesn't matter much. You marry someone poor, it doesn't matter if that person has deen and they are able to sustain the marriage. They will provide that emotional, social and religious support.
The righteous person is one who is concerned to fulfill the rights of Allah and Allah's creation. Virtuousness is good character. You care about Allah, his religion and his creation. And that's true deen. How can you tell? You observe that person. What do they do in their free time? Who's company do they keep? Are these people that care? How are they in their dealing with people? Do they have humility and gentleness? How do they deal with adversity? What do they do when they mess up? Do they acknowledge it or defend themselves?
2) Good Character. The five aspects of Good Character:
- Good character is an inward disposition that causes you to have praiseworthy inward states and outward conduct. It's how you are. It's causes you to act how you do.
- Ibn Rajab explain there are five aspects of good character:
1) Fulfill the rights of others as best you can. What rights you owe others and you have that care and concern to fulfill them in the right way.
2) Not harm, annoy, or inconvenience other people. You stay away from wrong.
3) You have a positive and cheerful disposition. The Prophet (SAW) though although full of concern was always nice and had a positive outlook.
4) Recognize the good of others and you respond to their good with that which is good or better. You appreciate the good of others. The least that you do is you thank them for it. The little things. You don't take things for granted but appreciate the little things.
This is an expression of deen is that you care.
5) You respond to the wrong, hurt, annoyance, inconvenience with nothing but the good. You have the right to defend yourself but you do it in the way that is right and this is the test of good character.
This is why good character is so high in relation to piety and righteousness. It express your sincerity for seeking the pleasure of Allah. You act and respond in ways pleasing to Allah (SWT).
3) Attractiveness.
Worldly attraction facilitates relationships. It's not denied but not dependent upon. There is the beauty of looks but also the beauty of character, compatibility, spiritual beauty, beauty of virtue. He's not good looking but he's a nice guy, you admire him because they do good. He's not the smartest or good looking but he loves God and he's a gentle and caring person. You give up a little big of worldly aspirations and you settle for living with a virtuous person who serves humanity and seeks the pleasure of God. So consider personality. So you ask yourself these questions in considering who you marry.
4) Reasonable Marriage Expense and Mahr
There is barakah in marriages that are least costly. There is barakah in straightforwardness.
Excess is not pleasing to Allah (SWT).
5) Children
Do you want to have children? It's also from the sunnah to marry older persons. The Prophets wives were mostly older except for Aisha (r.a) and they were previously married and he didn't have children with them except with Khadijah and Maria. (r.a) How important is that a consideration.
Being on the same page. Some people want to have children right away where as some want to delay it.
Age and virginity.
Benefits of older and previously married individuals.
6) Virginity
Someone who is not previously married and is not known to have committed zina. You are not to inquire about people's past. Even if you made mistakes in the past and its not known by everybody, you don't divulge things.
It's not an absolute. All other wives of the Prophet were previously married.
If one errs in the past, you don't talk about it. Shouldn't disclose past sins. (See forum)
7) Family Background
Children acquire character traits of their parents. Their temperament is inherited but this is not an absolute. So people who come from bad backgrounds, it doesn't necessarily mean they are bad too. They may have changed etc. Can be a very refined person. Also in terms of compatibility and building relationships within family is not denied. Family bonds are important. This not the basis of the decision but things to consider.
8) Not immediate family
Not marrying immediate family. It may have benefit. Disliked. Ulema have classically mentioned that successive marriage within family can lead to physical handicaps in children. Brings wider social benefits. But also nothing wrong with cousins etc (lol)
Considerations not absolutes.
How do you go about finding a spouse?
1) Trust in Allah (SWT). Reliance and confidence in Allah and this is even if you don't end up getting married, maybe that is better for you. Be confident that Allah will facilitate for you what is better for you in terms of this life and the next.
2) Take the means - Don't just sit around and think your spouse will stumble in your path and you say hey I'll marry him. Don't wait for your parents. Convince your parents to find you a spouse in terms of your criteria in a good way.
3) Don't complicate your decision - Marry on the basis of religion, righteousness, good character and you find the person to be suitable. Keep it simple and trust in Allah (SWT). http://seekersguidance.org/course/mod/resource/view.php?id=3804
4) Don't limit yourself. Seek the help of Parents, married couples/friends, community leaders/scholars. good matrimonial services, You/yourself...
Resources:
http://seekersguidance.org/blog/2010/07/why-is-the-prophet%E2%80%99s-character-described-as-being-tremendous-faraz-rabbani/http://seekersguidance.org/course/mod/resource/view.php?id=3804
http://seekersguidance.org/blog/2009/08/the-concept-of-religion-by-sayyid-naquib-al-attas/